revelation24

Step 10 – Down and out

2006-03-02T17:25:00.005-08:00

It was a very nice morning in the class, a usual class setting when the teacher told us that we will be having an exam. As usual my classmates asked me for a piece of paper until I was running out of paper. In the afternoon when I asked my classmate for a paper since I did not have any paper anymore, he refused to give me, and because of that event I really cried in secret because I was very disappointed knowing that I gave all my papers for my classmates and during my turn to ask, he refused to give. It was indeed a painful experienced especially in a young boy like me last ten years ago in my elementary years. After that event I promised myself not to give anything to my classmates. I gave up my being generous to them. Although that was very long ago, I still remember it knowing that I gave my all and I get nothing in return.
Now at present I was very aware of that event and I found out that I did wrong because I returned hatred for hatred instead of loving them but I was very young during that time to act like a very mature person. In my mind it was very clear at this moment that I should continue to love no matter what happen and I should repay good for evil deeds committed to me. But I found out that this idea is only in my cognitive level of being because I found out that there were many instances in my life where I failed to love steadily. Most of those events were caused by the unfortunate experienced of other people. Because of these realizations I found out that the ideal is very difficult to follow in the real situation. Most people would say “If you are good to me, then I will also be good to you but if your not, I will be your worst enemy.” This was based on the real world and this attitude seemed to resurface in me because of that experienced ten years ago although I was striving to reach the ideal.
I found out that I was weak in my resistance of faith because of this factor and another thing which I mentioned in my other reflections was my own weaknesses which made me far away from our God. I also realized that this was a different down and out because it was an experience of desolation or going away from God because of the inability to love. At the beginning I thought down and out referred to problems and struggles in life where I experienced weakness and so I returned back to God. But this down and out in this reflection was the attitude of not being true to the call of Christ and not being courageous to accept one’s own poverty. I knew my own poverty and weaknesses and I accepted it as part of my life but what is lacking in me is the total surrender to God that he would accept me totally whoever I am. I was down and out because I was blinded by my own pride and worldly mind. I was blinded by selfishness. I was blinded by my self knowledge but lack the ability to practice it in real life.
These are my calls and my challenges and as long as I deny my own self to the world I will continue to be down and out.

Step 9 - Christ Encounter

2006-03-02T17:25:00.004-08:00

If Jesus would ask me, who do you say that I am? I would immediately say that you are the Son of God. Having been known and studied about him. But I would kneel to him for shame that I was very courageous to study about him but did not really follow him. I always wanted to follow Christ more closely but every time I looked into my own weaknesses, I got this feeling of unworthiness and shame. This was my initial picture of Jesus Christ when I only think of him. This was because of the knowledge I had with him. And by just a thought of him, I saw a God whose powers are unlimited and whose identity is a king of the universe. A God who was far away with me and I compared him to me, I am an insignificant grain of sand. But as I try to reflect in my encounter of Christ I found out that Christ was there for me in sickness and in health and in happiness and sadness. The most concrete example I can say was the time God called me in this kind of vocation. It was a great experience of Christ. He was calling a simple person like me. It was then I somehow realized how merciful God is and how mysterious his plans. In my reflection on step 7 to faith, it was about our conscience. I stated there that conscience speaks for compassion and I reflected that I encountered Christ best in the persons of these beggars and less unfortunate brothers and sisters. Christ is really a God who never acts as the one who rule and the one who judge but he is a God of love. These were some of my experience of Christ but as I try to reflect again, I found out that I failed to notice Christ in my day to day life. I only noticed him when something new will come. But when ordinary things just go on, I failed to experience Christ. I only felt his great presence when I was down especially when I experience sickness. But not in every situation in my life. Then I realized that Christ encounter needs a constant striving to follow his ways. I found out also that I lack the ability to pray very seriously because I was pre-occupied with my anxiety and pressures in academic. I failed to notice him because I was pre-occupied with my self-interest and not that what pleases Christ.
As I recalled back my experiences, I found out that Christ was always there for me. It was I who failed to notice and He did not leave me even once in my entire life. Christ encounter was indeed an encounter of Grace, love and mercy.

Step 8 – The Experience of Spirit

2006-03-02T17:25:00.003-08:00

Every time I heard the word “spirit”, it reminded me of something extraordinary and supernatural. It is a power that is beyond my human capacity to grasp and to know. But something in the spirit that made me feels calm and self-gratifying; it is the capacity for letting go of imagination. The capacity to explore magical things and to soar beyond the clouds. After I wrote this realization, I found out that I am still very childish and immature. But for me I find no wrong to imagine these things as long as I knew my limitation. It made me to feel relax after a long busy day and sometimes during meditation, I used to imagine these things. But of course my reflection towards the spirit was not limited only to fairy tales and magical imagination. I also attributed the experienced of the spirit in my peak moments. These moments were events in my life wherein I felt elated and enthusiastic. It is the moment of consolation. Every time I experienced crisis and problems, I always went back to these peak moments. It served as my foundational experienced that made me fight all the hardships in life. One example of my peak moment was the joy of seeing the ordination of priesthood. And every time I had problems in the seminary, I always recalled that moment where I longed to reach ordination. Then I will say to my self, “Someday I will be a priest like them.” This experienced helped me a lot in my formation. But as I journeyed towards this vocation, I found out that not all peak moments in my life were an experience of the spirit. One of the talks in the spiritual conference mentioned about consolation and desolation. As I understood it, not all good experienced during prayer were consolation and not all bad experienced were desolation. In other words, no matter what kind of experienced I had, it is notable that the experienced can lead me closer to God. Because of these realization, I was able to fight all the problems I encountered in the formation especially when I experienced illness and I was absent for a couple of days. It was indeed an unfortunate experience but because of that event, it made me more mature and more serious in my prayer life. It made me reflect my true vocation and my purpose of living. It enabled me to slow down and reflect my experienced throughout the year. In other words, these experienced were not bad after all. I can say it was a consolation for me because it guided me to the right path again when I was about to get lost. It was indeed an experience of the spirit. Thanks be to God.

Step 7 – Calls of Conscience

2006-03-02T17:25:00.002-08:00

“The inner voice of God.” This is how I really defined conscience. But honestly before I read the article, I have many ideas about conscience. Like for example, the classifications of conscience, conscience in the Bible both Old and New Testament etc… And because of these, I found it very difficult to reflect conscience in an affective level. It was because I never tried to reflect on it. I failed to notice the inner voice of God in every second in my life. Although I sometimes made a good decision out of my reflection, I considered it as rational carefully deliberated by my mind. And sometimes I was convinced that it was God’s providence and his will. But I did not recognize it specifically as conscience or I included the word conscience in my thought. Then I asked myself, “What was the event when I really felt my conscience was working?” Or “What dominant feeling did conscience manifested based on my experienced?” When I reflected about it, I found out that conscience produced different emotions especially in my experienced in the seminary formation. Then I went about all the feelings because I wanted to point it out particularly what feelings I experienced where conscience really touched my whole being. As I reflected, I brought back my experiences in the past including all the feelings that goes with it. I found out that in all emotions, it was compassion that conscience was really felt deep within me like a soft voice telling me to immediately act on the situation. I made mention of these insights because of my experienced with the beggars in our seminary in Malaybalay and even here in the city. Every time I met them, I really felt pity for them. It was on that moment that my heart was moved into compassion and I heard God’s voice telling me to care for them.
Lonergan was indeed right when he said that conscience is an awakening of love. I can feel conscience if all I do is an act of love but of course conscience works in every situation in my life and I am aware of that. But what I discovered in my reflections and as I went back to my experience on the call on conscience, was that conscience is a call to love. It not just a judge or a police who will tell you not to do this or that but as a law of love which will give me more freedom if I will follow it. It is just a matter of owning it not as a voice apart of me but a voice that is within me. A voice that gives me life and hope. A voice that gives me the meaning of living and finally, it is indeed the voice of God.

Step 6 – The wondering Mind

2006-03-02T17:25:00.001-08:00

I had this wondering experience in my mind a couple of years ago. Although I wonder almost everyday but in my case, it was different because I really spent time thinking about this matter. My wondering also had a feeling of excitement. It started this way.
When I was at my elementary and high school years, I was hospitalized almost every year because of my sickness. During that time, I was afraid to die most especially when I found out when my room mate just passed away. Because of that experienced, I avoided thinking about death. Until I reached college and still I was afraid and curious about death. There was an experienced that led me to a deeper realization about death. It was when, my fellow seminarian at Malaybalay died because of a motor accident. When I looked at him in a coffin with a nun, I told the nun, “I wish when I die I can be like him with many people coming to see me and cry for me. But the nun told me that when people died, the spirit is the only thing that will exist and the body with the worldly thinking was gone. Therefore the spirit is no longer concerned of the people in the world in the sense that they would come to you and cry to you. Or the spirit will not be worried if his love one will not come. The spirit has a different concern and most probably the spirit is happy having been passed from this world. Because of that conversation, I had a different view towards death and this time it was very positive. In fact, I was excited. I always talked about death because I always got sick and I thought that the only way to escape life’s problem is through death. A couple of years ago, I was diagnosed with this incurable disease and in my researched I found out that I can only live for twenty years. I do not know how true it is. At first, it was very difficult to accept. I cried almost everyday. But now, I learned to accept it and I am very excited if my time will come to face death.
These experienced led me to a deeper realization and longing for God. It reminded me to the reality of this passing world. It reminded me to be ready to face God although I commit mistakes every now and then because of my weakness, I always find hope in God’s mercy. Sometimes I cried at the thought of it but knowing that there is a real life ahead of me, I am consoled that I will be happy when that time will come. And as long as the time has not yet come, I will keep on wondering towards death, towards God.

Step 5 – The Heart’s Hunger

2006-03-02T17:25:00.000-08:00

My vocation story started when I can no longer find happiness in everything I do. I felt emptiness deep within me and I can’t understand the reason for all of these. I decided to stop schooling. Until I was invited to join the Cursillo seminar and I did. There was an activity that set me free from my own world of selfishness toward the world of God. We were forced to surrender to God all our sins by means of shouting in front of the crucified Jesus. This was my worst cry ever in my entire life and I can really recall that I find it difficult to stop crying because of shame, guilt and fear. But at the same time I experienced for the first time the feeling of calmness and deep peace. It seemed that I was being unloaded from all that burdens me. That was the moment when I realized that true happiness can be found in God alone. I also made a great decision that changed my whole life and that decision was to enter into priesthood. And I did. I said to y self, “This is it! This is what I have been waiting for, this is my hearts desire.” Until I reached this point in my life shaped with my various experienced and struggle. But my journey of faith did not stop there or as we say my heart’s hunger continue to grow even stronger and deeper. I realized that I really need the presence of God especially now that I am sick. I realized that the more I learned a lot of theology, the more I thirst for God and the more I longed to experience him. The more I hunger for something I can’t really explain. Sometimes I thought that to be a priest would satisfy my hunger but now as I reflected in my vocation, I realized many things. I realized that there is something I want to discover within myself. Every time I encountered problems, I always go back during the times when I first experienced a great peace and God’s presence. That was my foundational experienced and it helped me to reach this point in my life.
Now at present what made me feel happy were my simple achievements and my community life. But what really made me fulfilled in times of problems was my prayer life. Although I cannot really satisfy my heart’s desire but because of my faith to God, I always find hope in everything I do. One thing is certain in this life that I can never fulfill my heart’s hunger until I reached God.

Step 4 – Escaping from Strange Gods

2006-03-02T17:22:00.000-08:00

I was very excited during Christmas season because finally I will be going to have my Christmas vacation with my family. But suddenly I was told by our priest that our bishop gave me an assignment this Christmas break. I had mixed feelings during that time. I felt happy and excited but at the same time, I felt afraid and sad. I was afraid because I was given a task that I thought I was not ready for it. There was no priest there only me, a first year theologian. I was sad in the sense that I cannot celebrate my Christmas with my family because I had to celebrate the Liturgy of the Word with them until New Year. But somehow I felt peace knowing that God chose me and He let me experienced what is like to be a priest. Although I cannot understand everything, I entrusted all to God. I pictured God as a God of wisdom and knowledge. During my exposure there, I traveled almost everyday to a far chapel in order to give seminar and celebrate the liturgy of the Word. Because I was traveling all day I got wet by the rain after a long heat of the sun, these perhaps are the reasons why I got sick. I experience light fever and colds. But I continued my ministry, until I finally could not make it because my fever has reached very high and there also my tonsillitis started. So I have to go home. I celebrated my New Year with my family but I was sick so I have to stay in my room until January 1. I asked the Lord , “ Lord, why did you allow me to celebrate my new year with my family having this sickness?” I did not have time to mingle with my family because I was so sick. I said to myself, I don’t think this is a punishment because I served Him through his people. Again I asked myself, “is this the payment of my service?” But I ignored it, I just moved on with my ministry after my fever was gone but my tonsillitis was still there so I took some anti –biotic. Until I went back to the seminary but my tonsillitis was still with me. I kept on taking medicine but still it continued to inflate in my throat. Until it grew so big that it almost block the air way and I could not eat anymore. During this time I decided not to go to the hospital because I was afraid the doctor would confine me for medication and this means I will be absent in my classes and I will be missing a lot of things. The pain increased each day even though I took some medicine, until I did not able to eat and speak well and my fever was coming on and off. So I went to the hospital and the doctor told me that I have to be admitted just as I thought. So I decided to go home and be confined in our hospital at Phillips. I was so sad during this time because I always thought about my studies. I kept asking myself, “Is this the payment for my service or a punishment for my sins?” During this time I pictured God as a judge, who punishes those who does wrong to him, or simply those who committed sins. I wrote these experiences and realizations because I found out that I have an immature and childish image of God. When I read the step four to faith, I was enlightened and perhaps I felt ashamed because after all this time I pictured God in an immature manner. After this awakening, I was aware that my faith has been blinded by my illness. And then I remember the saying of St. Therese of the Child Jesus that says, “ Suffering is the best gift God has given because he only give it to his chosen people.” And slowly my fears vanished knowing that these are all trials and I became more mature. I became more assured that God will not leave me in my struggle to fight all temptations and problems. I will just accept whatever it takes and do the best I can to stand again after I fall with a deeper perspective and deeper faith.